Back at it

So, I'm trying to start this thing again. I'll be honest with you though, I'm not about to sit here and write a "This is why I haven't been posting for the past few months" post. Suffice it to say I'm back and I'm going to try to do this more regularly (I know, you've heard that before, but seriously).

I find that I'm needing to get my thoughts out in the open sometimes. Russia is a strange and bizarre land of wonders and paradoxes. While Cristy and I regularly laugh (and cry) about the stresses of living in this place, I still so badly sometimes want to convey to others just what it's like to live here when you're not from here. In addition, I'm faced with the reality every day of just how little I know about being a father and husband. When you tie all of that into simply living and working day to day, life is never dull. I've forever got something on my mind that I want to get out. So I figure here is just as good a place as any to do it.

So where to begin? I think the thing I'm struggling with the most right now is burnout. The word "burnout" is hard to define exactly. In technical terminology it's when something mechanical "burns out," hence the aptly used word "burnout." But when you use it in a human context it can have a number of nuances and meaning. Suffice it to say that lately I've been sitting down at night, taking a deep breathe and letting out a long sigh while pursing my lips. The result is a long "pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbpth," which Isaiah usually imitates with delight.

I can't fully explain all of the reasons. Some are obvious. We've been back at language learning for about 5 months now, and I never leave a lessons without my brain feeling like pudding. On top of that we've made a conscious effort to inundate ourselves with about as much native Russian speaking as we possibly can. This has meant adding a lot of things to our schedule such as going to more Bible studies, having over more Russian friends, spending more time in Russian conversations outside of our lessons. There are also environmental issues. Right now it's dark until almost 10AM and then it starts getting dark about 3:45PM. The in between time is usually dark and gray with heavy overcast skies that rarely break for the sunlight. So there's simply lot of darkness interrupted by a dull haze. As a result it seems that I constantly stay tired no matter how much sleep I seem to get.

But on top of these obvious things there are simply oppressive spiritual issues. While America is far from perfect in any way, I appreciate more and more as time goes on just how much "common" grace has influenced our country. Russia can be a very harsh environment to live in. As I've told others, Russians can seemingly be some of the kindest, most loving, gentle and caring people in the world, and the most harsh, cruel, and deceitful. We've seen both extremes here. But on a day to day basis public life can be as cold as the weather. I realize I'm delving into a subject here that is way too deep to discuss right now, but perhaps over the next few posts I can spell out more of what I'm getting at. Let me just give one example.

Corruption: It's an extremely bad problem here in Russia. It's estimated by some that around half of all commerce done in this country is connected to bribes or illegal activity. Police officers constantly stop people for petty traffic violations (even imagined ones) and collect bribes from people right on the spot. They do this openly and in public. No one stops them. Other things like drinking and smoking laws are not enforced. The official Russian law states that children under the ages of 18 cannot buy or use alcohol or cigarettes. On the whole, stores seem fairly consistent with not selling the substances to minors, but children regularly obtain them with the help of older friends and drink and smoke openly on the streets. Police officers do nothing.

It goes deeper. Students bribe teachers for good grades in the Universities. Businesses bribe fire and health inspectors for good reports. Fire inspectors extort business owners threatening to give them bad reports unless they pay up. Big businesses take over smaller businesses, paying off police officers and judges in order to bring up charges on some poor chap and have in thrown in jail. The list goes on and on and on. The result is a society inundated with absolute distrust for any other person, distain for "law enforcement" personnel and a sense of pessimism that runs deep. Case and point, I heard a Russian joke today that said "In Russia a pessimist is someone who says 'Things can't get any worse.' and an optimist is one who says 'Of course they can!'" Life here in general is "heavy" as Russians say. People will yell and scream at each other in public, knock each other down constantly to be the first in line at the metro or refuse to intervene is someone's being beaten or hurt.

I don't know where I'm going with all of this except to say that these things have started to weigh on me. I must confess sometimes that I've had violent thoughts like grabbing a young punk by the throat who is verbally harassing a young lady and punching him repeatedly in the face. The thing is I don't think I've ever had those kinds of thoughts before I moved here. I've thankfully never been a violent-tempered person by the grace of God and by God's grace I don't want to become one.

I think what I'm trying to get at is simply that I'm feeling "dragged down" by life here lately. I don't like having violent thoughts of punching people in the face. That's not why I'm here. I don't like it when I find myself naturally pushing and shoving when the subway doors open. I don't like it when I stand stoically on the train afraid to smile because "people don't smile in public here." While there are certain things in Russian culture that are wonderful that I want to learn and adopt, there are plenty of things that I want to avoid. Unfortunately, the things I want to avoid seem to be the easiest to learn.