Ensuring Your Pastor Isn't "Cool"

True and serious believers know that a real pastor isn't remotely cool, or even overly likable for that matter. Over the course of the last ten years the Church has seen a swath of young, articulate, personable, and even "cool" pastors in the pulpit, and that is one thing that is definitely not needed. A pastor who is thought of as "cool" and likable will ultimately lead to the demise of all things holy. So it's important for believers out there to be aware of the dangers. That's why I've written this guide to help you recognize the signs of potential hipness in your pastor.

Warning Sign 1: Your pastor wears narrow-rimmed glasses - There is no debate on this one. Everyone knows that large, stop-sign-shaped eyeglass frames simply radiate piety, while narrow lenses scream "I prepared this sermon at Starbucks and probably listen to U2 occasionally." The minute your pastor shows up in the pulpit with narrow frames it's time to convene a congregational meeting because the situation has already gone too far.

Warning Sign 2: Your pastor doesn't like to wear ties - This happens long before he actually attempts to not wear a tie in the pulpit. He begins grumbling about how "ties are uncomfortable" and how "if I could get away with it, I'd never wear one again." Of course, all good believers know that one of the clearest fruits of sanctification is finding joy in a silken noose tied around your neck. Nothing is more conducive to a clear exposition of the gospel on a toasty summer day than standing in front of a group of people dressed in an undershirt, dress shirt, a rope around your neck, and a coat on. Beware of any pastor who questions this!

Warning Sign 3: Your pastor actually doesn't wear a tie - By the time you've reached this stage it's pretty much over. The minute he stands in the pulpit and tries to preach without a tie it's only a matter of time before he writes a new best-seller or sells the organ and brings in a worship leader. Once he takes this step, there's little hope.

Warning Sign 4: He writes a book and it sells more than 5000 copies - Speaking of writing books, it's not necessarily a bad thing to write a book, but be very wary of any pastor who writes a book that becomes "popular". The last thing we'd want to see is hundreds of thousands of people buying a book that exposits the gospel that has been written by a man who wears narrow-frame glasses. Obviously such a book is compromising somewhere.

Warning Sign 5: Your pastor makes reference to music written after 1916 - This tends to be the cutoff year when the last "good songs" were written. There's little positive that happened after that date by and large. If he goes so far as to reference anything contemporary (1947 or later) you can expect the Starbucks to be in your church lobby the following weekend.

Warning Sign 6: Your pastor is seen wearing t-shirts in public - While this isn't necessarily a serious offense, it can lead to tie grumbling if one is not careful. Polo shirts are definitely more sanctified as we all know. A t-shirt can be forgiven on a number of occasions, like little league games or even a quick Saturday morning dash to the store for milk, but be careful that he's not pushing the limits. Too much t-shirt wearing can lead to "coolness."

Warning Sign 7: Your pastor wears sandals at the church office - When a man commits to the ministry he is never to show his bare feet in public again. This is just an unspoken rule. Only his wife and kids, within the confines of his home, should ever be privy to what a pastor's feet look like. If you ever under any circumstances see your pastor in sandals it's time to call the elders. He's definitely trying to be hip.

Warning Sign 8: Your pastor REALLY likes coffee - Let's face it, no one really likes coffee right? People just tolerate it, normal people that it. But it's become hip and cool to really, seriously like coffee. How can you tell? Well for one you'll perhaps notice that your pastor has his own special mug that he drinks out of. Secondly, you can test him by asking him three basic questions. First, "Hey, do you think I should go for Pikes Place or Cafe Verona?" Second, "What do you think of Via?" And finally, "Ethiopian or Kenyan?" An seemingly intelligent answer to any of those questions is bad news.

Warning Sign 9: Your pastor has anything made by Apple - Apple products are cool and hip to the nth degree. No person of piety in his or her right mind owns anything made by them. Try to get a peek at your pastor's computer. Is there a glowing, partially eaten image of an apple on the back of it? Look at his phone. Is it black with neatly arranged colorful little icons on a touch screen? Has he started bringing something called an "iPad" to church meetings? Beware such a man. He's dangerous. Everyone knows PCs are much better because it takes a real man of faith to use one, and they are by far much more sanctifying.