Hospital Terminology

After having just spent a week in the hospital with Isaiah as he recovered from his most recent surgery, I've decided to compile a short list of terms that you'll need to know if you ever have to spend time in one either for yourself or with a loved one.

"About ten minutes" - Definition: 30 minutes to 5 hours.  This is usually in reference to when the doctor will be coming to see you, and once you finally do see him or her, it'll be for about 90 seconds.

"The resident" - This is the doctor who is in residence who'll swing by for about 90 seconds, usually at 4:45am.  You've most likely never met him or her before, and he or she most likely has only skimmed your chart.  The resident's visit is usually made even more awkward by the fact that he or she shows up while you're asleep in a chair, with rancid coffee breath, wearing sweatpants, a stained t-shirt and hair all a-frizzle.  You're in a sleep-deprived stupor and he's already finished his morning ten-mile run, is working on his third cup of coffee and is dropping hemoglobin levels on you as you rub sleep from your eyes.

"Dietary" - When the nurse tells you that "dietary is sending _________ up." this is a fancy way of saying "The cafeteria is getting your tuna surprise ready along with a side salad, roll and tiny can of Pepsi."  

"Draw some labs" - No, your not about to play Pictionary for dog lovers.  You're about to get stuck with a needle, perhaps multiple times.  Sorry.

"Nurse Practitioner" - I really like NP's because in many ways they have the power of a doctor and you'll usually get to spend a lot more time with them.  They're probably the most accessible member of the medical profession with advanced degrees.

"Maintenance"  - The lady who comes in at 2AM to change out the garbage bags and flush the toilet.

"CC's" - This means "milliliters" and is how they measure liquids in the hospital.  Not sure why, but in the US, the medical world is a strange mix of both metric and imperial measurements.  Liquids seem to be done in metric, but temperatures in imperial.  Don't get confused.

"DC" - No, not the capital.  If something get's "DC'd" it means they're not doing it to you anymore.  I'm assuming it's an abbreviation for "discontinued", but it could also mean "DON'T get CRAZY!!!"   That seems to have a little more pizzaz.

"Discharged" - This is the word that everyone waits to hear.  It means that you're going home.  The only problem is that it usually seems that a hospital is never in any hurry to let you go home once they have you.  On the day you're supposed to be "discharged" the resident will usually show up at 4:45am and tell you "We're going to get you out of here this morning."  See the next definition.

"Morning" - Anywhere from 4:45am when the first resident shows up until 7:30PM.  "Morning" is relative, because it's always morning somewhere.  So if the resident tells you "We're going to get you discharged this morning" it may not be for another 12 hours.  

Tominthebox News Network Revived!

After about two years, I've decided to revive the old TBNN blog. You can read it at http://tominthebox.blogspot.com.

Thanks

Ensuring Your Pastor Isn't "Cool"

True and serious believers know that a real pastor isn't remotely cool, or even overly likable for that matter. Over the course of the last ten years the Church has seen a swath of young, articulate, personable, and even "cool" pastors in the pulpit, and that is one thing that is definitely not needed. A pastor who is thought of as "cool" and likable will ultimately lead to the demise of all things holy. So it's important for believers out there to be aware of the dangers. That's why I've written this guide to help you recognize the signs of potential hipness in your pastor.

Warning Sign 1: Your pastor wears narrow-rimmed glasses - There is no debate on this one. Everyone knows that large, stop-sign-shaped eyeglass frames simply radiate piety, while narrow lenses scream "I prepared this sermon at Starbucks and probably listen to U2 occasionally." The minute your pastor shows up in the pulpit with narrow frames it's time to convene a congregational meeting because the situation has already gone too far.

Warning Sign 2: Your pastor doesn't like to wear ties - This happens long before he actually attempts to not wear a tie in the pulpit. He begins grumbling about how "ties are uncomfortable" and how "if I could get away with it, I'd never wear one again." Of course, all good believers know that one of the clearest fruits of sanctification is finding joy in a silken noose tied around your neck. Nothing is more conducive to a clear exposition of the gospel on a toasty summer day than standing in front of a group of people dressed in an undershirt, dress shirt, a rope around your neck, and a coat on. Beware of any pastor who questions this!

Warning Sign 3: Your pastor actually doesn't wear a tie - By the time you've reached this stage it's pretty much over. The minute he stands in the pulpit and tries to preach without a tie it's only a matter of time before he writes a new best-seller or sells the organ and brings in a worship leader. Once he takes this step, there's little hope.

Warning Sign 4: He writes a book and it sells more than 5000 copies - Speaking of writing books, it's not necessarily a bad thing to write a book, but be very wary of any pastor who writes a book that becomes "popular". The last thing we'd want to see is hundreds of thousands of people buying a book that exposits the gospel that has been written by a man who wears narrow-frame glasses. Obviously such a book is compromising somewhere.

Warning Sign 5: Your pastor makes reference to music written after 1916 - This tends to be the cutoff year when the last "good songs" were written. There's little positive that happened after that date by and large. If he goes so far as to reference anything contemporary (1947 or later) you can expect the Starbucks to be in your church lobby the following weekend.

Warning Sign 6: Your pastor is seen wearing t-shirts in public - While this isn't necessarily a serious offense, it can lead to tie grumbling if one is not careful. Polo shirts are definitely more sanctified as we all know. A t-shirt can be forgiven on a number of occasions, like little league games or even a quick Saturday morning dash to the store for milk, but be careful that he's not pushing the limits. Too much t-shirt wearing can lead to "coolness."

Warning Sign 7: Your pastor wears sandals at the church office - When a man commits to the ministry he is never to show his bare feet in public again. This is just an unspoken rule. Only his wife and kids, within the confines of his home, should ever be privy to what a pastor's feet look like. If you ever under any circumstances see your pastor in sandals it's time to call the elders. He's definitely trying to be hip.

Warning Sign 8: Your pastor REALLY likes coffee - Let's face it, no one really likes coffee right? People just tolerate it, normal people that it. But it's become hip and cool to really, seriously like coffee. How can you tell? Well for one you'll perhaps notice that your pastor has his own special mug that he drinks out of. Secondly, you can test him by asking him three basic questions. First, "Hey, do you think I should go for Pikes Place or Cafe Verona?" Second, "What do you think of Via?" And finally, "Ethiopian or Kenyan?" An seemingly intelligent answer to any of those questions is bad news.

Warning Sign 9: Your pastor has anything made by Apple - Apple products are cool and hip to the nth degree. No person of piety in his or her right mind owns anything made by them. Try to get a peek at your pastor's computer. Is there a glowing, partially eaten image of an apple on the back of it? Look at his phone. Is it black with neatly arranged colorful little icons on a touch screen? Has he started bringing something called an "iPad" to church meetings? Beware such a man. He's dangerous. Everyone knows PCs are much better because it takes a real man of faith to use one, and they are by far much more sanctifying.

Yes, It's True

Okay, here's the deal. Hold your comments, shock, worry, horror, like, dislike, etc. until after you've read the explanation below. I figured there was no way I could do this without having to literally write out a small treatise to explain what happened.

Yes, I'm bald. This is not photoshopped. I'm really, completely bald. Here's what happened.

First, this is not some kind of rebellion, make-a-statement kind of thing. I've been pondering this for some time (reasons to be explained below). Also, this is not my way of letting the world know that I'm having a mid-life crisis. Trust me, all who know me know my temptation to all things Macintosh. We're I to be having a mid-life crisis (and I assure you I'm not) it would have almost certainly taken the form of a several new gadgets that no person in his right mind needs.

Also to clarify for my Presbyterian friends, this is not my way of joining the "Mark Driscoll crowd" or going off on some theological tangent, or becoming "emergent." I'm still the same Thomas, just without hair on my head.

So here's the story. It begins actually about three years ago when I began to notice the breeze more and more up top. Looking in a mirror one day I noticed my scalp showing more than normal. I thought nothing of it really, just went about my business and didn't give it a second notice.

Now fast forward another 6 months. Cristy, Isaiah and I were eating at a little cafe in downtown St. Petersburg one afternoon. I excused myself to go to the restroom, and while washing my hands had a chance to look in the mirror. The light was right above the mirror and was shining down on my forehead. This time my scalp was REALLY noticeable. I was a little taken back. When I got back to the table I looked at Cristy and said "Okay, this isn't a trap or a trick question. I want you to tell me honestly. Am I going bald?" She paused for a moment, made that little scrunched-up-face-with-a-pity-smile look and gently nodded up and down in the affirmative. "Has this been going on for a while?" I asked. She replied in the same manner.

After that day I was determined that I wasn't going to let it bother me. I have always had very very thick dark hair as a kid and as a young man. I thought for sure I was going to be one of those guys who would escape it. I was wrong.

Over the last two years I've been losing it slowly, and was starting to develop that little bald "monk spot" as a call it in the back. I've always detested those little monk spots. A receding hairline from the forehead back I think I could have handled better. They don't strike me as ridiculous looking like the monk spots do. So over the course of the last two years as I watched my hair begin to bail like rats on a sinking ship I talked about it with Cristy. We agreed that once the monk spot began to appear that I was just going to avoid the inevitable and make the transition to a whole new look: bald.

Cristy actually quite liked this idea, and I don't think she'd have been disappointed if I had done it a year ago. When we got back to Russia just about 2 weeks ago I was beginning to notice the monk spot more and more. This morning I tried cutting my hair with the guard on like I normally do and noticed it just wasn't looking right. I called Cristy to the bathroom and asked "Do you think it's time to do this?" She got a big smile on her face like a little girl who was just asked "Would you like to open one of your Christmas presents early?" She replied with a lilt in her voice, "If you want to."

So here we are. I'm bald. Not balding. I'm bald. Now there's also a very practical and even sanctifying reason for this. When I first started going bald I thought it wouldn't bother me. "It's part of life. It's no big deal. Who cares?" Was how I planned to deal with it. But I know myself. I know my own heart. It did matter. I did find that I was starting to get bothered and a little self-conscious about the monk spot forming in the back. The last thing I wanted to do was become a combover guy, or be running to the store to by the infamous toupee-in-a-can spray. As I explored the options I considered that the completely bald look is not that bad. Lot's of famous people have been bald. Patrick Steward (a.k.a. Captain Picard), C.J. Mahaney, and from all accounts, the prophet Elisha. I could do worse. So I figured it would be best for me to just go ahead and get it out of the way and not have to worry about going bald ever. It's done. End of subject.

So far I like it. Cristy really seems to like it, and the kids looked at me for two seconds and went back to eating something and watching Mary Poppins. I know this might be strange for some of you who know me, especially for my family who have always known me with hair, but I trust it time you'll become used to it.

So there it is, my explanation. I wanted to give everyone fair warning before you saw some random picture of me on Facebook and a thousand questions followed. So hopefully now this answers those questions. If not, you are free to ask me more. I've got a little more time in my life since I don't have hair to wash anymore.

Picture of Harold Camping

I am an atheist

I am an atheist. I do not believe in God or a god, or gods, or a some kind of "supreme being" "higher power" or "higher intelligence" or "spirits". I believe in nothing beyond the provable scientific realm. I worship nothing, praise nothing, I do not meditate or think upon the supernatural in any way. I am an atheist.

My existence is accidental, as is the existence of every living thing on this planet, as is even the existence of the universe itself. I'm here by natural selection and an evolutionary chance that could have easily not happened as it did happen. My conception was chance, my birth was chance, and my moment-by-moment survival is also by chance. I could die a meaningless and unpredictable death at any moment. There is no real purpose for me being here. It was not planned from all eternity that I live, nor was any special favor given to me to have what I have and know what I know. I am a mass of tissue and cells that by impersonal evolutionary chance possesses sentience.

Yet, while in this life, I have a sense of justice, rightness, and fairness. I long to make a difference, contribute to humanity, and be significant. I'm not content to simply eat, drink and be merry. I spend my days perhaps doing research, trying to understand the universe that purposelessly gave birth to me and will one day purposelessly take my life. I maybe write books, give speeches, and mock others who disagree with me, stuck in the "dark ages" unworthy of enlightened age in which we all live. I nobly attempt to make some supposed positive impact on the world, on the mass of humanity that has also come from nothing and will go to nothing. I seek to better a world that is ultimately doomed to share the fate of a universe that will one day burn out and also become nothing.

One day I will die. The universe will get the last laugh. I will be robbed of the consciousness and sentience that were given to me by chance. I will not care, no know, not perceive anything once I am dead. I will be no more, and will not care. All of my life's work will be done, and all that will remain will be what I have laid down for posterity's sake. Perhaps my writings and lectures will exist for a time on shelves and computers and other forms of digital media. But ultimately, one day, I will be all but completely forgotten. Sure, may name may carry on in some fashion for centuries to come, yet all who have loved me, cared for me, and have been dear to me will also be gone. At best I will be a footnote in some future dissertation of some individual who also by evolutionary chance exists, and who will also die and become nothing.

This is my life. This is what I believe. I mock you for believing otherwise, for being so foolish as to not believe that we meaninglessly came into existence by chance, and we will all one day perish to oblivion, and that somehow in between we are to find significance. I scorn your belief in the Unseen Wisdom, Purpose of Hope for eternity. My desire is that you would see how foolish your beliefs are and agree with me, so that you may come to know the joys of this brief span of significance we call life before you die and fade into nothing.

Fukushima Nuclear Reactor Most Likely Spells Certain Doom for Humanity

Note: I debated whether or not to preface this article, but decided to so no one would misunderstand me. The following is hyperbole, and NOT making light of the tragedy in Japan but rather making fun of the news media that loves to keep the general public in a panic by spinning the tragedy in order to maintain the "if it bleeds, it leads" status quo. So please, no hate mail accusing me of making light of this serious situation.

Fukushima, Japan

Authorities and experts around the world have declared what will most likely be the final end of humanity. The tsunami in Japan which heavily damaged the Fukushima Nuclear Reactor has not only rendered it inoperable, but most likely "ruined all hope of human survival."

"The situation is more terrifying than we could possibly imagine," stated CNN analyst Peter McKlien, who has over 30 years of experience as a news anchor in Canada. "What we're looking at here in the next few hours could might possibly turn out to be the final hours of humanity's days on this planet."

Other "experts" in the field offered even more grim appraisals of the situation.

"The situation might could potentially look possibly hopeless for everyone on the planet in a way far worse that we could seek to somewhat understand," stated MSNBC nuclear "expert" Laura Simmons, who lived in Ukraine for 6 months. "What will potentially possibly happen maybe in the next couple of hours will be not only a full core meltdown of the nuclear reactor but potentially a total contamination of almost the entire ecosystem of our planet which could result in the probable annihilation of humanity."

Other analysts continued to hypothesize about what the reactor's meltdown could possibly bring.

"In the worse case scenario what we might see would be the radiation causing our consciousness to become separated, causing us to exist in a disembodied form in an almost purgatorial state of existence on a burnt-out-rock of a planet, remaining forever trapped in this miserable condition until our sun finally goes supernova in 3-4 billion years," stated Omar Franks during an interview on Fox News. Before Franks was able to give his suggestions as to how one may avoid this terrible fate the program cut to a commercial for the new 2011 Toyota Tundra 4WD, with a V8 engine.

CNN programming director Sam Little commented that "Round-the-clock coverage of the potential end of mankind will continue, ensuring that people will be kept well informed of the impending doom that is about to befall them and their loved ones. We'll be on the air until the last human being is killed off by the zombie hoard."

New Movie

Looks interesting.

Memorizing the Contents of the Bible

For several years now I've thought of how useful it would be if I could basically memorize the content of every chapter in the Bible. There are 1189 chapters from start to finish, which, if you think of it seems like a reasonable task to accomplish.

So how does one do this? I've always been a music/poetry/creative writing type of person. So I've put together a little poem for Genesis that basically gives the main content of every chapter. I've found that it's been fairly easy to memorize. The poem assumes one is already fairly familiar with the content of the book. Here it is.

Genesis Poem

One - is creation
Two - Adam and Eve
Three - is the fall when Satan deceives

Four - Cain kills Able
Five - Generations die
Six - Noah builds an ark
Seven - flood waters rise high

Eight - Waters receded
Nine - Ham is accursed
Ten - Noah's descendants
Eleven - Babel: the nations disperse

Twelve - God calls Abram
Thirteen - Abram and Lot part ways
Fourteen - To Melchizedek, Abram ten percent pays

Fifteen - God with Abram his covenant makes
Sixteen - Sarai and Hagar - God's ways Abram forsakes

Seventeen - Circumcision
Eighteen - Isaac will be born
Nineteen - Sodom and Gomorrah destroyed in God's scorn

Twenty - Abram to Abimelech lies
Twenty-one - Isaac born: God's promise realized

Twenty-two - God, a substitute for Isaac provides
Twenty-three - Abraham morns as Sarah dies

Twenty-four - Isaac meets Rebekah
Twenty-five - Abraham sleeps
Twenty-six - God, to Isaac, his promises keep

Twenty-seven - Esau sells his birthright for soup
Twenty-eight - Jacob's dream
Twenty-nine - Laban throws Jacob for a loop

Thirty - Jacob prospers
Thirty-one - ...flees from Laban
Thirty-two - ...wrestles with God
Thirty-three - ...meets Esau again

Thirty-four - Dinah ravaged and Schechem is sacked
Thirty-five - Jacob renamed Israel
Thirty-six - Esau, descendants did not lack

Thirty-seven - Joseph dreams and is sold by his kin
Thirty-eight - Judah and Tamar
Thirty-nine - Joseph refuses to sin

Forty - Joseph interprets two prisoner's dreams
Forty-one - Interprets Pharoah's and gains his esteem

Forty-two - Joseph's brothers to Egypt go
Forty-three - ...go again
Forty-four - Joseph tests them - they don't know

Forty-five - Joseph reveals to them, he is their brother
Forty-six - They all move to Egypt with Jacob their father

Forty-seven - They settle in Goshen to live
Forty-eight - Blessings to Ephraim and Manasseh Joseph gives

Forty-nine - Joseph blesses the rest of his sons
Fifty - Jacob and Joseph die, but the story is not done!

Clearing up Confusion about Kim Kardashian

Just in case anyone is confused, I'd like to help clear up some confusion.

Here is Kim Kardashian...
















Now, here is a Cardassian...



















Whew, glad that's clear.

"...are big with mercy, and shall break with blessing on thy head."

It's Tuesday night now, and it appears the hard part is over. Isaiah is laid out cold in the hospital bed next to me, asleep after a grueling 48 hours. Thus far he's recovering well from the surgery with no sign of any problem whatsoever. We are hoping that we might be able to go home tomorrow. Right now everything appears on track, and we are anxious to get home, but we want to make sure he gets everything he needs.

The morning before Isaiah went into the hospital I got up early to spend some time in the quiet hours, bringing my fears and concerns before the Lord. You hymn-lovers out there may have noticed from the previous post the words in the title from William Cowper's God Moves in a Mysterious Way.Without a doubt it is one of my favorite hymns. The words are simple, yet profound and have been a comfort to me many many times. Verse 3 became my "goto" verse during this time in the hospital with Isaiah.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,

The clouds ye so much dread

Are big with mercy, and shall break

in blessings on thy head.

We've know about this surgery for a while now, and to be quite honest, we are kind of excited about him getting it. It's going to be a big improvement for his quality of life and ours for that matter. Yet I was dreading it. I never look forward to my child going into the hospital even when it's planned and even when it's going to be beneficial. I find nothing in this life more nerve-wracking than my child being hooked up to beeping and bubbling machines, nurses and doctors poking and prodding him, tubes being run down his throat, and finally having him wheeled away to a back room, put under anesthesia, and his little body invaded by sharp instruments. I don't care what the benefit may be, the process of getting there is no fun. And I must confess, unfortunately, I all too often focus on the clouds and not the rains of mercy they contain.

But God has been gracious to help me this time to look not so much upon the storm clouds but more upon the fertile soil being watered. Here are just a few blessings:

• The blessing of just being with my son: I've had the privilege to laugh with him when he laughs, cry with him when he cries, hold his hand, comfort him, pray with him, sing to him, etc. What a joy it is to walk into a room and have his face light up, to know that he looks upon me as a place of safety and love.
• The blessing of knowing lots of people are praying for us: If there's one really positive aspect of social networks like Facebook and Twitter it is that prayer requests can fly all over the globe at lightening speed. Having all of the messages and emails coming to us saying "We're praying for you" was unbelievable. One poignant moment was right after they finished putting the tube down Isaiah's nose and throat. For some reason this is always very hard for me to watch, not simply because it hurts him, but it's one of those things that I just have to leave the room when they do it because I start getting dizzy. But this time I determined that I wanted to stay. I wanted to be by my son's and wife's side. I didn't want to leave him. As they started putting the tube up his nose, I didn't know if I would make it. I was tempted to walk out several times, but I pressed on. Finally they got it in, and I breathed a sigh of relief. Right at that moment I got a message on my phone. It was a friend of ours from St. Petersburg, and she wrote "Praying for you right now." It was amazing to know that right at that moment when I needed it the most, one of God's dear saints, five-thousand miles away was speaking to the Father on our behalf. What an amazing blessing.
• The blessing of deepened love and appreciation for my wife: Time-wise Cristy and I have not been able to be together a whole lot during this ordeal, yet at the same time I find that my love and appreciation for Cristy grows deeper during these moments. I see the gifts God has given her, her devotion and love, and I am overwhelmed with God's mercy that gave me such a wonderful helpmate.
• The blessing of learning to focus more on the Lord and learning to trust him and love him more: It is mercy to know the Lord through all of this. As much as I worry, even when I know that God is in control, I can't imagine what kind of state I would be in if I believed it was all up to me and the doctors. There's a line in the song by Sovereign Grace called In the Valley that says "In the daytime there are stars in the heavens, but they only shine at night. And the deeper that I go into darkness, the more I see their radiant light." It is in the valleys that my attention is turned to the things of God more and where I see his mercy more and more. It is mercy that Isaiah was born to us. It is God's mercy that we were born into Christian families and didn't grow up to be those that would have aborted him before he was born. It is mercy that we have such amazing medical care for him, wonderful doctors and nurses. It is mercy that he is such a tremendously joyful and pleasant child to be around, always tender and affectionate, full of joy and laughter. It is all mercy.

We know that there are more storm clouds in the distant future. We know that with his condition there will be more days in the hospital and more surgeries to come. But each one of these brings the rain of God's mercy and blessing.

"...the clouds ye so much dread."

It's early here in Clinton, Mississippi. I've been up since about 4:15AM, and didn't sleep much last night. In about an hour here we'll leave to go to the hospital with Isaiah. For the next 24 hours or so, he'll be in the hospital getting prepped for surgery tomorrow morning, something called an "A.C.E. procedure." You can read about it here.

I'm not looking forward to today as the prep for the surgery is probably going to be rather unpleasant, probably, in some ways, worse than the surgery itself. He's going to have the equivalent of a colonoscopy prep. If you've had one of those, I need say no more, but if you haven't I'll leave it to you and Google to figure things out. For an adult, a colonoscopy prep is really a minor inconvenience that, as a small compensation, entitles you to some inside jokes and helps you to be empathetic when someone says, "Well, I gotta have a colonoscopy next week." Those of us who have had this experience make a bunched-up face of pity and slowly nod our heads with an almost "feel-your-pain-bro" kind of acknowledgement. I have the special honor of being among a small percentage of people under 50 who have had one.

But for little Isaiah there will be no jokes. There will be no bragging about the technique he used to get that "awful, nasty solution down." There won't be the pleasure of joking with the G.I. specialist before the procedure by saying "I guess you really have a dead-end job." For him they have to put a tube down his throat to administer the solution as well as hook him up to an I.V. It's going to be a messy day. If all goes according to plan, tomorrow morning sometime they should do the procedure.

A couple of things you can pray for specifically:

• For Isaiah to handle this as well as possible, not becoming too distressed
• For us to be patient, comfort and care for him
• For Cristy's mom who is with us, as she tends to Nadia
• For Nadia to be good for Cristy's mom
• For the doctors and nurses to have wisdom and skill in what they do
• That the surgery can be performed via laparoscopy. This is usually how it is done, and this is what we're hoping for because it means just one night in the hospital after the surgery. This is in contrast to 7-9 days in the event they have to start cutting.
• For a successful surgery, quick healing time and no complications whatsoever.

I'll be making updates as things develop.

Clearing up Confusion about the Federal Vision

I don't know about you, but I find the Federal Vision controversy in Reformed circles to be terribly confusing sometimes. So I've put together this little visual aid to help clear up confusion.

Here's Federal Vision...


And here's a Federalist Vision...

Clear now? Good. Glad I could clear things up. You're welcome.

Outward Displays of Christian Joy

It is one thing, of course, to actually show joy and another to truly be joyful. A fool may be appear to be joyful outwardly, but at the same time have no real joy inwardly. On the other hand, a person who appears miserable on the outside may be filled with great inward joy. Right so far, eh?

We in the reformed and reasonable camp know quite well how dangerous outward expressions of emotions can be in our Christian lives, especially in relation to spiritual things. We know that outward displays of joy can and often do lead to pentecostalism, flesh-pleasing and regulative-principle-of-worship-breaking. It is important, therefore, to keep oneself in check daily to make sure that the inward joy that you have, the wondrous news of the gospel, doesn't show much on the outside. Here are a couple of tips.

1. Never smile - A smirk may be permissible at times, but it's best not to even let this come out. Remember your joy is primarily inward. If someone sees you smiling he may think you've heard a joke, or that you're charismatic or something. Practice a dour expression. This will display your piety and seriousness about your Christian life and is the best expression to have when talking about the gospel.

2. Frequently use the word "frivolous" - Most outward expressions of joy come from frivolity, and almost everything is frivolity. It's important to remember this lest you succumb to outward expressions of joy. Tempted to laugh at a joke, even a clean one? Remember, it's frivolous. Sports? Frivolous. Playing games with your family? That's frivolous too. Make sure you not only remember this for yourself, but also constantly remind everyone else around you.

3. Talk through your gritted teeth about spiritual things - This is especially effective when saying the word "gospel." You'll want to say it with force, teeth gritted tightly highlighting it with a slight and violent shaking movement of the head, just enough to make your jowls jiggle a little bit . Rule number one applies here most of all as it is especially dangerous to smile when talking about the gospel.

4. Bring up the subject of breaking the Sabbath as much as humanly possible - There's no better way to suck smiles out of a room full of people than to connect any subject or activity back to the issue of Sabbath-breaking. Remember it's okay that you call the Sabbath a "delight" as long as you're not demonstrative in your delighting. Also, if you see someone outwardly expressing joy, nine times out of ten it probably connects back to him breaking the Sabbath.

5. Pick apart everyone's words for theological correctness - Nothing will help people understand your joy about the gospel more than tearing a brother apart because something he said wasn't exactly theologically right. For example, if someone remarks how he "liked the choir's anthem this past Sunday." you have a perfect opportunity for bringing up the regulative principle of worship and the wickedness of such things. Be sure to use the words "the flesh" and "entertainment" a lot when you address the issue.

6. Take any remark about the weather to be spiritual heresy - Another way to show how much joy you have is by perpetually impressing everyone with the fact that you have a clear understanding of God's sovereignty over the weather. For instance, if someone says "Man, it's hot today." make sure you respond "Well, we don't control the weather now do we?"

7. Grunt and wince when someone mentions John Piper - Though he is apparently a Christian brother, and is probably going to heaven, we don't want to get to close to him. Many people are reading his books these days and supposedly being blessed by them, but guard yourself. Spend some time in front of the mirror practicing the grunt-wince reaction.

8. Be sure not to make any bodily movements in worship - Any movement whatsoever during worship could lead to dancing, thus sending you down the path of regulative-principle-of-worship-breaking, Barthianism, pentecostalism and Sabbath-breaking. It will take some practice, but with time you can achieve total paralysis while you sing. Remember, no movement is allowed other than your lips. This means no toe taps inside of the shoe, no slight shifting of weight, no head nods, finger taps or even elbow swings. You'll also want to make sure you avoid eye blinks that might fall on a downbeat.

Such rules, if adhered to, will help all around you see the truly deep Christian joy you have, unhindered by your outward emotions.

Degree Now Offered in Worship Projectology

I am thrilled to officially announce today the opening of my own university. I've appropriately named it "Thomas University." Right now I'm offering just one degree program and it's a Bachelor of Arts in Worship Projectology.

I am prompted to develop this degree program, because it is painfully obvious at most churches where projectors are use during the praise and worship time that the person running them is in dire need of professional training. This program will include courses such as:

• Changing Slides at the Right Time 101
• Changing Slides at the Right Time 201
• Changing Slides at the Right Time 301
• Advanced Slide Changing Techniques
• The Art of Moving to the Next Slide at the Right Time
• Reversing Slides When the Worship Leader Gets Inspired
• Avoiding Neon Text on a Yellow Background
• Spelling at least 90% of the Words Correctly
• Not Forgetting to Include Entire Verses
• The Invitation Time

These along with many other advanced courses are designed to give the worship projector operator the expert skills so desperately needed to properly enter text into a computer and press the "Enter" key at the appropriate time so that the congregation can see the words.

Now accepting applications for enrollment.

Ministry in the Sewer

Before you read this post you'll want to read yesterday's entitled "Christ in the Sewer".

You might could call Christ's incarnation the greatest "mission trip" ever taken. Trust me, there's no summer vision trip to anywhere doing anything that anyone can participate in in this universe that can compare with what Christ did when he "became flesh and dwelt among us." I've had to remember this a number of times during our work in Russia.

• Find myself walking on a levy made of raw asbestos..."The Word became flesh and dwelt among us."
• Visit the tuberculosis capital of Russia..."The Word became flesh and dwelt among us."
• Drink poor water and get...ahem...Stalin's Revenge..."The Word became flesh and dwelt among us."
• Whine because I haven't seen the sun in six weeks..."The Word became flesh and dwelt among us."

There is no cross-culture experience I can have that is of greater contrast than the King of Glory coming to earth, taking on flesh and dwelling among us.

Now here's a shocker for everyone - Ministry is messy. To be a disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ means getting dirty, not just your hands, but your whole self. To be "salt and light" in this world, to "go and make disciples of all nations" means going into the sewer.

That doesn't sound nice does it? I'll confess I don't like it. I naturally want to resist it. I don't want to go into the sewer. But there's this command to "go therefore" that just can't be ignored. We are called to go with the message of the gospel to all nations, and where do these "all nations" who don't know Christ live? In the sewer of sin, just like we who know Christ used to live in it.

Now, let me be clear. I am NOT saying that we are the ones who rescue people from the sewer. We are not saviors, but merely messengers of THE Savior Jesus Christ. So we don't go into the sewer as saviors, but as clarions of Christ, telling those at the bottom of the outhouse that there is salvation from the sewer.

But what does this mean practically to "go into the sewer"? Am I speaking literally or metaphorically? I suppose both. Here are some ways we might be called as Christian witnesses to "go into the sewer."

• Physically - To bear witness to the gospel of Jesus Christ you might be called to undergo physical discomfort. There are a lot of possibilities. It might mean going into a filthy roach and rat-infested home. It might mean spending time with someone who smells so bad you can barely keep down your cookies. It could mean spending time in a hospital where people are dying of aids, disease, tuberculosis, etc. Going into the sewer may very well mean in a literal physical ways getting dirty yourself.
• Emotionally - Emotional dirt can be, and often is, more disturbing and difficult to deal with than physical dirt. Have you ever dealt with someone about whom you've said to yourself "He is just messed up."? You probably know who I'm talking about. His or her life is always in chaos, there's always some emergency, everything is blown out of proportion and exaggerated, etc. This person is extremely difficult to deal with. Or how about a person who has sunk into depression, or a woman who's been abused, or a child who's been abandoned. If you open your heart to such a hurting soul in need of the gospel, prepare to go into the sewer for the long haul. Such issues are not resolved overnight.
• Spiritually - This may sound redundant as all of these matters are of course "spiritual." But what I'm talking about is going to places that you are quite certain there is demonic/satanic activity going on. I say this with all of my reformed and cessationist faculties fully intact. But believing that Satan and his minions are not omnipresent, it is reasonable to assume that at any given moment there are places in this world where they are more active than in others. But within some of these pagan temples, high places, and houses where evil abounds are God's elect.

These are only a few applications. Much much more could be said, and I welcome further comments discussing this matter. But the point of all of this is, if you would be a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ, if you would be a witness for him then be prepared to get dirty. Christ went into the sewer for you. He doesn't call you to do anything that he himself didn't do.

Christ in the sewer

A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to preach. Being close to Christmas time, the subject of the incarnation seemed appropriate, so I chose the prologue to John's gospel, chapter 1 verses 1-18. I spent a considerable amount of time on verse 14 "And the word became flesh and dwelt among us." While pondering this verse I was reminded of something I heard about once while visiting in Siberia.

Forgive me, but to get the full effect of this story requires me to be a bit descriptive. Needless to say, if you have a weak stomach you might not want to read this while eating.

In many Siberian villages homes do not have running water. The toilet then, as you can imagine, is included in this little deficiency. Somewhere in the backyard will be a little building that serves this purpose. A hole is dug and an outhouse is placed on top of it. Usually when one walks in he sees nothing more than a floor with a hole cut in it about 18 inches wide. If it's done right, the hole goes down about 5 or 6 feet to the bottom. Now here's where I have to get descriptive. As you can imagine, the bottom of that outhouse is probably the last place on earth anyone would want to fall. It's horrid, utterly nasty filth that smells worse than it looks. It is the stuff that nightmares are made of.

Now you may have noted the width of this hole, 18 inches. While that's not big enough for an adult to fall through, it's plenty big for a small child to slip into. Most of the time this isn't a problem as the littlest kids will use buckets or little makeshift training potties inside of the house, but from time to time a child's curiosity gets the best of him and he wanders into the outhouse, slips and falls through that hole. Generally speaking, drowning isn't common as the ground absorbs the water well enough to keep the "water" level low. But falling to bottom of this outhouse the child still will find himself covered in the most foul filth imaginable, most likely spared serious injury from the fall by the sheer fact that he landed on 6 or 7 inches of soft sewer mud.

So what does one do in this situation? I asked this question hypothetically to a Russian friend once. There are no ladders built for the child to crawl out. In many cases the child it too young to understand the concept of grabbing on to a rope, not that he would even be physically able to hold on long enough to be pulled out. To this question my friend answered "You go down there, get him out and clean him off." Did you catch that? You crawl into a sewer to save your child. You don't think about the awfulness of it, the nastiness of it all, you go down there and you save the one you love.

This illustration struck me as I pondered verse 14. Up to that point, Christ's divinity, glory, power and majesty are all laid out by John. The bottom of an outhouse is no place for the King of Glory, the God of the universe. Then we read that Christ became flesh and dwelt among us. It's easy to miss the weight of this statement because we have so "sanitized" the manger. The hay is clean, the animals, are clean, there is a warm glow of cozy light as the shepherds gather around. But it goes beyond the physical filth that Christ endured in his birth. Christ who was perfect and sinless came to this sinful, broken world full of murder, hatred, envy, wars, jealousy, lying, and every sin imaginable. He descended to us as we wallowed in the sewer of our sin so that he might lift us out and cleanse us of all of it. The "fall" was just that; it was a collapse into utter filth that we are powerless to escape from. Christ crawled into this sewer to save those he loved.

"Let us mark what kind of Being the Redeemer of mankind must needs be, in order to provide eternal redemption for sinners. If no one less than the Eternal God, the Creator and Preserver of all things, could take away the sin of the world, sin must be a far more abominable thing in the sight of God than most men suppose. The right measure of sin's sinfulness is the dignity of Him who came into the world to save sinners. If Christ is so great, then sin must indeed be sinful!" - J.C. Ryle

World Reacts in Shock at Existence of Tunisia

Hoover, Alabama - The residents of Hoover awoke to the shocking news of events in the North African nation of Tunisa this morning. According to sources, news of the departure of long-time President Zine El Abidine Ben Ali and the ascension to power of Fouad Mebazaa has rocked this small Alabama town. The most shocking aspect of all of this - the existence of Tunisia.

"It's got everyone a little off-kilter this morning" said Shelia Ray Hines, an attendant at the local 'Short Stop' gas station famous for their chicken-on-a-stick. "Everyone's been coming in all morning talking about it. Most are just shocked that they'd gone their whole lives and ain't ever heard of the place."

Families with small children are finding it even harder to deal with.

"My son come up to me and asked me 'Daddy where's Tunisa?'" said Ben Smith a local resident. "I'd never heard of the place, so I just told him Utah."

Residents of Hoover and other towns in America are eagerly awaiting the end of events in Tunisia, anxious to put a severe deficiency in the knowledge of world geography behind them.

Anyone there?

I have no clue if anyone ever comes here anymore, but I've got the urge to start blogging again. So instead of starting up some new venture I figured I'd just pick up where I left off.

I'm looking to do something new though. I'm not a person of one single interest, so why would I have a blog of one subject? I can't predict what you'll find here every day, but I hope it will be interesting.

Back at it

So, I'm trying to start this thing again. I'll be honest with you though, I'm not about to sit here and write a "This is why I haven't been posting for the past few months" post. Suffice it to say I'm back and I'm going to try to do this more regularly (I know, you've heard that before, but seriously).

I find that I'm needing to get my thoughts out in the open sometimes. Russia is a strange and bizarre land of wonders and paradoxes. While Cristy and I regularly laugh (and cry) about the stresses of living in this place, I still so badly sometimes want to convey to others just what it's like to live here when you're not from here. In addition, I'm faced with the reality every day of just how little I know about being a father and husband. When you tie all of that into simply living and working day to day, life is never dull. I've forever got something on my mind that I want to get out. So I figure here is just as good a place as any to do it.

So where to begin? I think the thing I'm struggling with the most right now is burnout. The word "burnout" is hard to define exactly. In technical terminology it's when something mechanical "burns out," hence the aptly used word "burnout." But when you use it in a human context it can have a number of nuances and meaning. Suffice it to say that lately I've been sitting down at night, taking a deep breathe and letting out a long sigh while pursing my lips. The result is a long "pbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbpth," which Isaiah usually imitates with delight.

I can't fully explain all of the reasons. Some are obvious. We've been back at language learning for about 5 months now, and I never leave a lessons without my brain feeling like pudding. On top of that we've made a conscious effort to inundate ourselves with about as much native Russian speaking as we possibly can. This has meant adding a lot of things to our schedule such as going to more Bible studies, having over more Russian friends, spending more time in Russian conversations outside of our lessons. There are also environmental issues. Right now it's dark until almost 10AM and then it starts getting dark about 3:45PM. The in between time is usually dark and gray with heavy overcast skies that rarely break for the sunlight. So there's simply lot of darkness interrupted by a dull haze. As a result it seems that I constantly stay tired no matter how much sleep I seem to get.

But on top of these obvious things there are simply oppressive spiritual issues. While America is far from perfect in any way, I appreciate more and more as time goes on just how much "common" grace has influenced our country. Russia can be a very harsh environment to live in. As I've told others, Russians can seemingly be some of the kindest, most loving, gentle and caring people in the world, and the most harsh, cruel, and deceitful. We've seen both extremes here. But on a day to day basis public life can be as cold as the weather. I realize I'm delving into a subject here that is way too deep to discuss right now, but perhaps over the next few posts I can spell out more of what I'm getting at. Let me just give one example.

Corruption: It's an extremely bad problem here in Russia. It's estimated by some that around half of all commerce done in this country is connected to bribes or illegal activity. Police officers constantly stop people for petty traffic violations (even imagined ones) and collect bribes from people right on the spot. They do this openly and in public. No one stops them. Other things like drinking and smoking laws are not enforced. The official Russian law states that children under the ages of 18 cannot buy or use alcohol or cigarettes. On the whole, stores seem fairly consistent with not selling the substances to minors, but children regularly obtain them with the help of older friends and drink and smoke openly on the streets. Police officers do nothing.

It goes deeper. Students bribe teachers for good grades in the Universities. Businesses bribe fire and health inspectors for good reports. Fire inspectors extort business owners threatening to give them bad reports unless they pay up. Big businesses take over smaller businesses, paying off police officers and judges in order to bring up charges on some poor chap and have in thrown in jail. The list goes on and on and on. The result is a society inundated with absolute distrust for any other person, distain for "law enforcement" personnel and a sense of pessimism that runs deep. Case and point, I heard a Russian joke today that said "In Russia a pessimist is someone who says 'Things can't get any worse.' and an optimist is one who says 'Of course they can!'" Life here in general is "heavy" as Russians say. People will yell and scream at each other in public, knock each other down constantly to be the first in line at the metro or refuse to intervene is someone's being beaten or hurt.

I don't know where I'm going with all of this except to say that these things have started to weigh on me. I must confess sometimes that I've had violent thoughts like grabbing a young punk by the throat who is verbally harassing a young lady and punching him repeatedly in the face. The thing is I don't think I've ever had those kinds of thoughts before I moved here. I've thankfully never been a violent-tempered person by the grace of God and by God's grace I don't want to become one.

I think what I'm trying to get at is simply that I'm feeling "dragged down" by life here lately. I don't like having violent thoughts of punching people in the face. That's not why I'm here. I don't like it when I find myself naturally pushing and shoving when the subway doors open. I don't like it when I stand stoically on the train afraid to smile because "people don't smile in public here." While there are certain things in Russian culture that are wonderful that I want to learn and adopt, there are plenty of things that I want to avoid. Unfortunately, the things I want to avoid seem to be the easiest to learn.