Fukushima Nuclear Reactor Most Likely Spells Certain Doom for Humanity

Note: I debated whether or not to preface this article, but decided to so no one would misunderstand me. The following is hyperbole, and NOT making light of the tragedy in Japan but rather making fun of the news media that loves to keep the general public in a panic by spinning the tragedy in order to maintain the "if it bleeds, it leads" status quo. So please, no hate mail accusing me of making light of this serious situation.

Fukushima, Japan

Authorities and experts around the world have declared what will most likely be the final end of humanity. The tsunami in Japan which heavily damaged the Fukushima Nuclear Reactor has not only rendered it inoperable, but most likely "ruined all hope of human survival."

"The situation is more terrifying than we could possibly imagine," stated CNN analyst Peter McKlien, who has over 30 years of experience as a news anchor in Canada. "What we're looking at here in the next few hours could might possibly turn out to be the final hours of humanity's days on this planet."

Other "experts" in the field offered even more grim appraisals of the situation.

"The situation might could potentially look possibly hopeless for everyone on the planet in a way far worse that we could seek to somewhat understand," stated MSNBC nuclear "expert" Laura Simmons, who lived in Ukraine for 6 months. "What will potentially possibly happen maybe in the next couple of hours will be not only a full core meltdown of the nuclear reactor but potentially a total contamination of almost the entire ecosystem of our planet which could result in the probable annihilation of humanity."

Other analysts continued to hypothesize about what the reactor's meltdown could possibly bring.

"In the worse case scenario what we might see would be the radiation causing our consciousness to become separated, causing us to exist in a disembodied form in an almost purgatorial state of existence on a burnt-out-rock of a planet, remaining forever trapped in this miserable condition until our sun finally goes supernova in 3-4 billion years," stated Omar Franks during an interview on Fox News. Before Franks was able to give his suggestions as to how one may avoid this terrible fate the program cut to a commercial for the new 2011 Toyota Tundra 4WD, with a V8 engine.

CNN programming director Sam Little commented that "Round-the-clock coverage of the potential end of mankind will continue, ensuring that people will be kept well informed of the impending doom that is about to befall them and their loved ones. We'll be on the air until the last human being is killed off by the zombie hoard."